Luckily, Someone's ideas flow more logically than mine.

I was perusing my memories the other day, walking through moments both recent, and distant.  Memories that made me smile: because of their joy, or because of overcome growing pains.  That beautiful smile of yours - it hurt when your teeth came in.  The happy place I'm in - I remember my legs aching as they grew, stretching towards taking bigger and bigger steps.  I remember curled toes in the tips of my shoes. I remember painful partings with much loved pajamas, characters faded, flannel pilled, white stained.  I remember falling off of my cool bike - sky blue tires, lime-green frame handle-bar gears which didn't match after that fall; tomboy self.  I vaguely remember a banana seat bike, maybe it was red, but maybe that bike was only real in my dreams.
(Though as amazing as such a bike would be, my younger self would likely have been horrifed by it)

I stopped at a memory a few months old, in a kitchen with a friend, stepping up on eachother's feet and trying to walk in the other's steps, until I shied away. I'm too old for this.  My fears are too beaten into my bloodstream for this.  And they are ridiculous fears too.  I'm too distant from the child who should so this. I can't just throw my arms up, slip my hands into safe, strong, large hands, feet easily planted on the tops of mom or dads, and laugh together, walking.

Here's what I've learned about the path I'm on.  It's winding, surprising, challenging, sometimes a little hidden.  But the hardest turns come when I try to take off on my own.  When in frantic impatience I bolt from the trail I've been set on, following my own arrows, trying to make the same or maybe a "better" destination.  I never have been the best navigator.

In my dreams I see myself, a child, running to the open arms of Father God.  He takes my hands and spins me around until I stand in front of him, staring out in the same direction.  I step onto his feet, small and safe in his arms, and He walks with me.  I want to see the path He has for me.  I want to step in the way he plans for me.  I want to be so close that I can hear and feel him whispering in my ear. I want to see what He sees in front of me. 

As I learn to let go and put my life in his hands, I look back at a path that is carved by someone who has to see  and hold the universe. My eyes may see corners, mountains, oceans - but what if I could see the arial view? I piece together fragments as I glance behind my shoulder, and the picture that I imagine is so intricately beautiful.

(And after reading this, maybe if I share a song I'm writing with you one day...you'll understand it)

~

I'm climbing out of the darkness that has held me captive for the last two months.

I've finally started a summer job in Ottawa - and it's a job I'm more then happy with.   After all the searching, doubting, applying, waiting, and stressing, I'm going to be spending my days at a church that is surrounded by green grass and green trees, doing administration and whatever else comes my way. 

Yesterday at GYG we were asked to share what makes us stop, and go WOW about God. 

I chose the university of Ottawa after a very out-of-character choice to skip class, and go to a University Fair when I'd already "decided" where I'd be going for school.

I heard about the church that is now my home because before I was born, the Pastor who would talk me through all my highschool drama planted it.

I am so happy in my communtiy, that I would never have moved to if I hadn't met my roommate in a randomply assigned group during froshweek.

I applied for a job after talking to someone I don't usually get a chance to speak with after church one Sunday - and she happened to have noticed a posting on the bulliten board that I didn't see.

I am working at a church which was started by the Minister who shared God's love with me when I was in elementary school, who took the time to get to know me and made me feel special and grown up. Who taught me songs which still encourage me and  pop into my head when I'm feeling down. 

/It's a small world after all/
/There's no such thing as coincidence/



God gives me not just food, not just water, not just {brocolli}but
EVERYTHING
I need.

Some thoughts I found scribbled on an envelope from a few weeks ago.

I feel the most beautiful right after I've washed my face.  Standing in front of the mirror as I turn off the taps, water dripping down my face, eyes shining, lashes clinging together.  Dirt is washed away. Remnants of sticky sunscreen are lifted.  The mask I hide behind is swept off.  My blemishes are exposed.  My hair isn't perfect, my skin isn't perfect, my face is usually looking tired.  But I feel beautiful. And not made up, imaginary, princessy beautiful.  Not picture beautiful.  I feel real.  I feel genuine.  I feel open.  I feel refreshed. I feel cleansed. I feel beautiful.  It's the type of beautiful I want others to see and bring out in me.  It's the type of beautiful I want to see and bring out in others.

It's the same way with my heart.  Soap and soft, colourful cloths, and running water are replaced by silence, or freely singing, or just pouring my thoughts out in prayer.  In moments of true worship and confession, my stains are washed away.  My burden is lifted.  I have a prettier attitudee, I have a purer heart.  I see more beauty around me.  I draw closer to God.  And filled with his light, my heart with his heart, I feel wholly loved. I feel completely known.  I feel like a child in awe.  I am glowing in love.  I am beautiful in His image, a masterpiece.