If there was ever a time when I deeply wished I lived close enough to my parents and was small enough to crawl into their bed after waking up from a nightmare, it was Wednesday morning. In fact, exhausted and confused after waking from a short night of long dreams, I seriously considered slipping through Amber's open door and going back to sleep in her room while she studied.
It's been a challenging couple of weeks for me.
I came home from a beautiful vacation to a kitchen full of cockroaches. We've been dealing with this for over a year - but it has never been as bad as it was when we got back from the airport. I'm not afraid of bugs. I dont scream or squeal or squirm. I usually just sigh and squish. I'd hoped my week of rest would send me home refreshed and ready to get down to business. Instead, I found myself frantically emptying a cupboard, chasing bugs while tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to carry the peace that I'd been soaking in through the door and into my home. But as I dropped my bags, all the things that have been making living here challenging just swirled into my face. I desperately wanted to just leave. I'm dealing with people and culture in a way that hurts me and seems so incredibly beyond my abilities, maturity, and emotional capacity. We're dealing with a bug situation that seems hopeless. And day by day, it seems like more and more things are tainting this community for me, and trying to pull me out of it.
In addition to coming home to a lot of bugs, I also came home needing to see a doctor. Hours at the clinic and pharmacy later, I was treating what was supposedly a skin infection. Then later in the week, I waited hours to see another doctor who confirmed my suspicion (and fear) that it was actually shingles, and I'd been on the wrong medicine for four days. Nearly perfectly timed pain and exhaustion: November in University.
November is at that wonderful climax which signals there is an end in sight - but an enormous mountain of work to climb through to get there, and I'm at the steepest part. But I had to miss GYG this week. And no matter how many times people tell me that it's ok to take time off once in a while, or everyone needs a break... that is a commitment that I've made with my whole heart, and it hurts to not be there because I'm overwhelmed by other parts of my life.
God
is
Good.
Feeling weak and small, I sat on the floor at the back of church one Saturday night, comforted by the warmth and rhythm of community praising Him.
Feeling hopeless and alone, I've been surprised and encouraged by hugs, words, emails, texts, phone calls, and letters which have reminded me that God is for me: not only is He so high above all these things I'm struggling with, but He is with me in them, and has surrounded me with people who pray for and listen to me. I can't describe how much my heart and head have been lifted by the love of people around me - and even people from back home who suddenly felt the need to get in touch.
It's been hard for me to adjust to how early it gets dark now. And there have been days when I've been scared for the Winter ahead.
But even the darkness is washed away when the light comes. And the light that I'm in love with, filled with, and surrounded with is one that just keeps shining brighter and brighter.
I love waking up to the sunrise. Light filling my room, and warming my face, I realize no matter what goes on, I'm held by the one who put the stars in place.
And I dont think anything could ever compare to His arms, which hold me, comfort me, protect me, defend me and lead me.
