I just wanted to share this song with you :)
Audrey Assad - Ought to be.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Cold
Today the air was more than bone-chilling cold. By the time we entered the blissfully heated mall on the way to catch the bus to school, it was hard to bend my legs. My hair, where my hat pushed it close to my cheeks was covered in white ice crystals. It was cold enough that the air instantly dried my mouth and throat, and barely seemed to reach my lungs. It was cold enough that even being anywhere near a door inside a building required a toque and mitts.
It was a beautiful -30 downtown Ottawa today, with a windchill of -37.
Cold enough to remind me how much I love sweaters and scarves and mittens and blankets and sunshine and electric heat, and even fires when someone else looks after them.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"Home"
I definitely started writing this post just after Christmas...and it's taken me quite a while to figure out exactly how I want to end it. The little ~'s mark the breaks between days writing.
I've struggled over the last year and a half to determine where home is. With one foot in Sooke and the Other in Ottawa, it's been hard to figure out just what each place really is to me. Of all of the joys and gifts I expected to receive this Christmas, I would never have guessed I'd figure out home. But I'm ahead of myself. It seems my blog has fallen among many things - some more important than others - that I've neglected for the past month and a bit. I'm going to try and summarize it...prepare for a novel.
This is going to start off on a semi-weird note.
I have been a Harry Potter fan since shortly after my grandparents gave my the first book as a gift. The shortly after part is important. Unlike lots of other books at the time, it wasn't one that I opened right away and read cover to cover within days of getting it. It sat on the shelf underneath my loft bed for a while. I'm not sure if it was my friends, boredom, or interest which inspired me to open it a while later. But I did. And from that day on, I have almost always had something Harry Potter to look forward to. I remember arguing over who got to read the new book first (being bigger and a faster reader, I inevitably won.) And I remember that, at least for the first 5 movies, we always went as a family. But when the first part of the 7th movie came out in November, I had to go. Soon, inviting a few friends turned into Amber and I pre-buying an entire row of seats, and playing ticket master to several friends. Some combination of extra time and being left alone for a few hours resulted in me making themed candy bags for each person. Packet of Droobles anyone? What a night! Don't worry, I didn't dress up.
~
Right....summarizing.
Between Harry Potter and mid december, I pulled several all nighters trying to madly finish assignment and prepare for exams. Glad that's behind me for a few months. There were of course some other lovely festivities, including preparing and enjoying a turkey dinner with friends, going to see the Nutcracker and Handel's Messiah at the NAC, celebrating the end of class with movies and milkshakes, and lots of silliness. Handel and Tchaikovsky have a way of using enchanting music to build an invisible barricade, blocking out stress and school and leaving nothing in the world but the music, and the stage. A chance to breathe, and smile, and just stare in awe. And as to the silliness, I've come to the conclusion that attending university is paying to choose between two forms of insanity. You can become completely lost in the stress of papers, exams, cramming your brain, memorizing tedious facts, striving for deep connections and impressive ideas, and smart sounding words, driven by letters which may or may not be given objectively. Or, you can surround yourself with friends and revert back to the carefree times of childhood. Lets drink milkshakes and get whipped cream all over our faces. Lets speak in silly accents all the time, and make up crazy games, and rush out the door jumping and kicking up the sparkling snow. Lets laugh until tears are streaming down our cheaks, and our cheeks are red, and we can't breathe or stand up or even sit up. Lets speak in non-sensical code, and make up ridiculous nicknames. To quote Emily, "I may be crazy, but I'm a happy crazy, not a psycho-killer crazy."
Exams ended pretty early for me, thankfully, and I found myself on an airplane going home. During a layover in Edmonton, I was able to have a brief visit with Bob and Lydia - I love that no matter how long it's been, there are some people in the world you can run up to, hug, and just talk, with no awkwardness, not reservations, and share life purely as it is. After a long, but good, day of travelling, I walked through the doors into the arrivals area of the airport, to find my dad and brother COMPLETELY decked out in Ottawa Senators gear. I almost refused to go home with them.
~
I woke up the next morning to a power outage, and actually laughed when the light switch did nothing. Some things never change. I soon discovered though, that others really do. The first few days back in Sooke were probably among the weirdest days I have ever had. I was sleeping in my room, I was cooking and talking and eating with my family. I was looking out at the ocean, and forest. And I wasn't home. That room, that house, that town, that forest, that church were no longer home. For the first time, it was my parents' house, my brother's school, my family's church - and I felt incredibly lost.
~
It's so easy not to notice the tide coming in until the water is trickling through the rocks just beneath your toes. Or in the Spring, not to notice the leaves budding on the trees until all of a sudden bare branches are alive with fresh green. Change as a process is much less scary than change in a moment. Both can be scary, both can be beautiful. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I realized the implications of what I was feeling. I can't decide exactly how I came to see it as incredible. And I almost wish I could - because much like the first word, or the first tooth to fall out, or the first time riding a bike and realizing that mom's not holding on anymore - it was an epiphany that marks the passing of time, and a rite of passage on the winding path from childhood to adulthood.
One could argue that the reason for this change is because I have my own apartment, pay my own bills, and live my own life. I've settled into school in a different city, I've searched for and found a church where I belong, I've experienced a myriad of new and challenging things. But really, I think that I've come to realize what home actually is.
Because if what we love about home is belonging, understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love, an in depth knowlege of one another, safety, free laundry (you have to admit, that's a big one!)...but seriously, strength, support; sanctuary. I've found my home in Christ. And that really means home is where the heart is. And my heart isn't in Sooke, or Ottawa, or Esperanza, or South Africa, or Italy, or Edmonton, or any of the other places I've been or could dream of going to. My heart is inside of me. And if the Spirit is in me wherever I go, and if God has called me to be in Ottawa, than home is here. Because the place I find refuge, strength, forgiveness, and the purest of all possible love - is God. And yes, he even provides me money to do my laundry. The truth is all the places that I'll ever love, and all the people who I'll ever love each have or will have their place in my heart, soul, and memories - but how can I live, both physically and spiritually, or literally and metaphorically, if I leave my heart in another city?
If I'm called to be somewhere, I'm called to be somewhere. And I want to be here fully. I want to love people fully - without fear of leaving, or being left behind. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what city will come to be "home." But right now - "home" is in Ottawa. And home is in Christ - in me.
The rest of my time on the Island was amazing, despite being sick. I finally got my "N" (Rejoice!) Thanks to the patience and support of my parents, grandparents, friends - and the blessings of having an easy examiner. It didn't take long for me to realize how silly I was for taking so long! If it didn't sink in when Tim and I went for a drive to Mystic beach...it definitely did when Justin and I stepped out of the woods and onto the beach at Sombrio.
"For the beauty of the Earth, for the Glory of the skies, for the Love which from our birth, over and around us lies. Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise."
I believe God has big things in store for 2011. I am so thankful for each of you - more thankful than I could ever express. I pray that you would have a truly blessed year, knowing you are so loved by me - and so much more loved by God.
I've struggled over the last year and a half to determine where home is. With one foot in Sooke and the Other in Ottawa, it's been hard to figure out just what each place really is to me. Of all of the joys and gifts I expected to receive this Christmas, I would never have guessed I'd figure out home. But I'm ahead of myself. It seems my blog has fallen among many things - some more important than others - that I've neglected for the past month and a bit. I'm going to try and summarize it...prepare for a novel.
This is going to start off on a semi-weird note.
I have been a Harry Potter fan since shortly after my grandparents gave my the first book as a gift. The shortly after part is important. Unlike lots of other books at the time, it wasn't one that I opened right away and read cover to cover within days of getting it. It sat on the shelf underneath my loft bed for a while. I'm not sure if it was my friends, boredom, or interest which inspired me to open it a while later. But I did. And from that day on, I have almost always had something Harry Potter to look forward to. I remember arguing over who got to read the new book first (being bigger and a faster reader, I inevitably won.) And I remember that, at least for the first 5 movies, we always went as a family. But when the first part of the 7th movie came out in November, I had to go. Soon, inviting a few friends turned into Amber and I pre-buying an entire row of seats, and playing ticket master to several friends. Some combination of extra time and being left alone for a few hours resulted in me making themed candy bags for each person. Packet of Droobles anyone? What a night! Don't worry, I didn't dress up.
~
Right....summarizing.
Between Harry Potter and mid december, I pulled several all nighters trying to madly finish assignment and prepare for exams. Glad that's behind me for a few months. There were of course some other lovely festivities, including preparing and enjoying a turkey dinner with friends, going to see the Nutcracker and Handel's Messiah at the NAC, celebrating the end of class with movies and milkshakes, and lots of silliness. Handel and Tchaikovsky have a way of using enchanting music to build an invisible barricade, blocking out stress and school and leaving nothing in the world but the music, and the stage. A chance to breathe, and smile, and just stare in awe. And as to the silliness, I've come to the conclusion that attending university is paying to choose between two forms of insanity. You can become completely lost in the stress of papers, exams, cramming your brain, memorizing tedious facts, striving for deep connections and impressive ideas, and smart sounding words, driven by letters which may or may not be given objectively. Or, you can surround yourself with friends and revert back to the carefree times of childhood. Lets drink milkshakes and get whipped cream all over our faces. Lets speak in silly accents all the time, and make up crazy games, and rush out the door jumping and kicking up the sparkling snow. Lets laugh until tears are streaming down our cheaks, and our cheeks are red, and we can't breathe or stand up or even sit up. Lets speak in non-sensical code, and make up ridiculous nicknames. To quote Emily, "I may be crazy, but I'm a happy crazy, not a psycho-killer crazy."
Exams ended pretty early for me, thankfully, and I found myself on an airplane going home. During a layover in Edmonton, I was able to have a brief visit with Bob and Lydia - I love that no matter how long it's been, there are some people in the world you can run up to, hug, and just talk, with no awkwardness, not reservations, and share life purely as it is. After a long, but good, day of travelling, I walked through the doors into the arrivals area of the airport, to find my dad and brother COMPLETELY decked out in Ottawa Senators gear. I almost refused to go home with them.
~
I woke up the next morning to a power outage, and actually laughed when the light switch did nothing. Some things never change. I soon discovered though, that others really do. The first few days back in Sooke were probably among the weirdest days I have ever had. I was sleeping in my room, I was cooking and talking and eating with my family. I was looking out at the ocean, and forest. And I wasn't home. That room, that house, that town, that forest, that church were no longer home. For the first time, it was my parents' house, my brother's school, my family's church - and I felt incredibly lost.
~
It's so easy not to notice the tide coming in until the water is trickling through the rocks just beneath your toes. Or in the Spring, not to notice the leaves budding on the trees until all of a sudden bare branches are alive with fresh green. Change as a process is much less scary than change in a moment. Both can be scary, both can be beautiful. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I realized the implications of what I was feeling. I can't decide exactly how I came to see it as incredible. And I almost wish I could - because much like the first word, or the first tooth to fall out, or the first time riding a bike and realizing that mom's not holding on anymore - it was an epiphany that marks the passing of time, and a rite of passage on the winding path from childhood to adulthood.
One could argue that the reason for this change is because I have my own apartment, pay my own bills, and live my own life. I've settled into school in a different city, I've searched for and found a church where I belong, I've experienced a myriad of new and challenging things. But really, I think that I've come to realize what home actually is.
Because if what we love about home is belonging, understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love, an in depth knowlege of one another, safety, free laundry (you have to admit, that's a big one!)...but seriously, strength, support; sanctuary. I've found my home in Christ. And that really means home is where the heart is. And my heart isn't in Sooke, or Ottawa, or Esperanza, or South Africa, or Italy, or Edmonton, or any of the other places I've been or could dream of going to. My heart is inside of me. And if the Spirit is in me wherever I go, and if God has called me to be in Ottawa, than home is here. Because the place I find refuge, strength, forgiveness, and the purest of all possible love - is God. And yes, he even provides me money to do my laundry. The truth is all the places that I'll ever love, and all the people who I'll ever love each have or will have their place in my heart, soul, and memories - but how can I live, both physically and spiritually, or literally and metaphorically, if I leave my heart in another city?
If I'm called to be somewhere, I'm called to be somewhere. And I want to be here fully. I want to love people fully - without fear of leaving, or being left behind. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what city will come to be "home." But right now - "home" is in Ottawa. And home is in Christ - in me.
 |
| Sunset at Mystic Beach, December 31, 2010. Photo by Timothy Emery. |
"For the beauty of the Earth, for the Glory of the skies, for the Love which from our birth, over and around us lies. Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise."
I believe God has big things in store for 2011. I am so thankful for each of you - more thankful than I could ever express. I pray that you would have a truly blessed year, knowing you are so loved by me - and so much more loved by God.
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