¡¿Arg?!

My eyes are stinging from staring at my computer screen, trying in vain to find answers to questions that I hope are the ones I'm supposed to be asking. I am so frustrated with all the unknowns right now. In a week my first major assignment is due. A six page essay about a "daily activity" that answers what the problem is, how it's global, what the politics are, who has the power, and what can be done about it. I also have to include two pages about my research process, and my sources have to be from scholarly journals that have been peer reviewed.

So one soul who managed to find their bearings in this crazy world of university, researched and wrote a paper about something. And then that paper was read by a group of other people who found similar directions and studied similar things. And then those people agree that this paper is true. And then it is added to billions of other papers which have been read by billions of other people and are accumulated in some giant collection which is stored in some dimension which I can't see or understand....and somehow blind, deaf, and unable to feel my way around I have to find just the "papers" I'm looking for.

Wouldn't it be nice if I at least was sure of what I'm trying to find.

Yesterday I had a reasonably good day. I hung out with new friends, got mail at my new address, gave someone my new phone number, went to a new building for a new class. But I felt happy...and then some how when I was trying to fall asleep it all came crashing down around me and I'm questioning if I can actually do this, if I'm actually in the right place. Is it ok that when I come back to my dorm room and dump my things on the floor and flop on to the bed, that it feels like my bed? Is it ok that these people who I know nothing about are suddenly my "best" friends, and that we are already having to talk about living together next year? Am I actually going to enjoy and be able to use the degree I've chosen? Will I wake up one morning and understand what my Spanish profs are teaching me, or remember the dates and names from my history class, or be able to carry out an entire conversation en français?

I'm flying, and very soon am going to run out of fuel. I guess the next big question is will I find a field to land in, or will I be sucked into the unknown of wild open waters.