Heart Beating Truth

So I wonder if I can see the future.
Because there are just some moments when I look at people as they are, and I see them full of this incredible potential.  And there are some moments when I just know, as I sit eating my dinner wearing three shirts and a sweater and a toque, that ice cream is for dessert.  Moments when doubt doesn't even cross my mind that this person is going to have a huge impact in the world, or that person is going to be an incredible parent, or this one is going to be a strong leader, or that one is going to be a lifelong friend.

Six months into life as a single 20 year old, I sit on a school bus surrounded by friends, driving along a bumpy road in the dark, laughing hysterically.   These are people I live with, go to school with, and love my community with: and in the effort to breathe, to sit up, to contain myself, I think about the friendships forming.  I think about the things we are learning about each other, the things I'm letting slip about myself.

I always wash my feet before bed.

I've butchered a rabbit.

I love airy singing voices.

I love opening a new tube of toothpaste

I drink tea that's been in my cup for a few days.

Sometimes I'm a terrible sister.

I have terrifying nightmares.

I love to stand on busses.

I love the closeness that I see developing.  And I'm scared of the closeness.

I wake up one morning, tired.  Sad.  Because that dream with the vintage motorcycle and the artsy pottery and the homey storefronts had way too much to do with my heart.  Because the touch, and smiles, the words, the tears held-back, and the butterflies  in it were way to real.

So I pray that I can't see the future.
Because there are just some moments that I look at things as they are, and I see them full of an inescapable stagnancy. Questions surge through me: am I ever going to learn this language? Am I ever going to have clear, grown up skin? Am I ever going to move past this ache? Am I going to get in to teacher's college? Am I, am I, am I, am I....

If I take the punctuation out I 

am I am I am I am I am I am I am....

If I let the circle go on long enough,

I come back to 

I am.

I am a child of a God who knows every part of my heart.  Who knows how many hairs are on my head,  who spoke and created the universe, whose voice calmed the seas, who says

I AM the bread of life, I AM the true vine, I AM the good shepherd, I AM the door, I AM the way the truth and the life, I AM the light of the world, I AM the resurrection and the life. 

Yesterday, a friend was over helping me eat some beets. Beet tangent - beets are beautiful.  I love their deep rich magenta, purple, red colours, and the delicate pattern unique in each one.  Their shape reminds me of a soft, precious jewel or stone... something of natural value.  They have a full, lovely roundness.  Almost an emotional shape.  If there was a vegetable that was a happy tear...I think it would be a beet. End of beet tangent.  So, I'm sitting in the living room with friends, talking after we finished eating the beets, and the conversation carries forth to French, to teaching, to my fears of inadequacy or just not being able to do what I want to do, and then being lost.  And my friend looks at me, and says something along the lines of "do you seriously think that God would bring you all this way, and then just leave you here?"

Thanks for your wisdom, Jared. And for encouraging me to finally try eating beets.

I am the child of the master planner. He knows all the cards, and he knows every bend in the path, and he is the destination.  Why should I worry?

~

(That was the official end of the post...here's the P.S. part....)
Some tidbits of what I haven't had a chance to post in the last month...
My apartment in wonderfully full, fun, and lively with 6 girls living in it.  We have lots of bunkbeds, it's kind of like camp.  Kind of.
School is off to a quick, crazy start
I received a package of blackberry goodness in the mail
I went to a corn roast which combined so many great things: forest/country, church potluck, campfire, and some great friends.
At Summit with c4c on the weekend, we jumped in a lake! (That's where I was going on the school bus, and where we had icecream for dessert.)  This is the first time I've been swimming outside since leaving home last summer.  WAY too long.