Leap FROG.

I love that moment, when you jump into something and realize there is no turning back.  The moment between jumping and plunging beneath ice-cold water.  The moment between thinking a thought and opening your mouth and words coming out.  The moment between making a chord and strumming loud and hard.  I love it because it's a kind of tantalizing rush of adrenaline and oxygen expressed in fear-conquering, trust-building, heart-shaping experience.  I love it because of the growth I see in seconds of stomping on silly things that have been holding me back for so long.  I love it because I realize that in my small, weak, scared, broken, lie-beleiving self is a Spirit of power, truth, and strength. I love it because the freedom that comes when the chains of fear fall to the ground is so beautiful.  It's like putting on a pair of new glasses on a sunny Spring day, and realizing how clear and sharp and bright the world is.  It's like wearing a flowing dress and running through a field in bare feet.  It's like doing somersaults twisting and twirling around under clean river water that tastes and smells and feels delicious and pure.

This weekend I found sanctuary in a camp in a forest beside a lake in Quebec, with 20 youth and leaders from Grace. And as I reflect on our talks about identity, I realize how much of my life I've spent in an identity crisis - I want to be perfect, I want to be fun, I want to be skinny, I want to be accepted, I want to be the best student, I want to be good at everything I do, I want to know all the answers, I want everyone to love me, I want to make a difference, I want to succeed....  And I realize how much of my  life has been spent wrapped up in lies about myself, and desperate, frantic, ridiculous attempts to be someone and something I'm not.

I remember going fishing with my mom and brother.  Tim and I would get the line all tangled so often that my mom would spend the whole time patiently untying the transparent threads.  It seemed to take so long!  What an experience to realize that I am at the centre of a giant, messy knot of lies.  I have to sit still like the little girl waiting for mom to untie my matted hair.  I have to move as I'm called to move and wait as I'm called to wait.  God is slowly unwinding the mess I've made.  It's scary taking steps out of the cocoon I've hidden myself in.  And I'm in process of continual metamorphosis.  I've spent years trying to get myself out.  Trying trying trying trying.  Even trying things that scare me.  Even doing the motions that might match some of what is going on right now.  But I can't do it myself.  I'm so thankful for the patient, wise, careful leading of my Creator.    I'm so thankful that He searches and knows my heart, that He holds, shields, and provides for me.

Jon used an analogy of boiling frogs this weekend.  If you put a frog in boiling water - it will jump out immediately.  But if you put it in cool water, and slowly raise the temperature, he just sits there.  And as one of the youth famously quoted at the end of the weekend - I'm learning frogs can be boiled in a good way.  I am changed and influenced by my surroundings - and that is a long and slow process.  Me giving up my pride and being willing to be open, honest, weak, and imperfect is a slow process.  It's a process that involves leaps of faith.

We jumped through a hole in the ice into the freezing lake.  And it was so refreshing. It was so exhilarating.  It was so worth the initial pain of walking on the slushy frozen surface to meet the cool waters.  As I'm taking leaps of faith - even little ones, like playing the guitar during worship, or speaking French with francophones, I need to leap like a frog.  Not the little green creature that may have appeared everywhere I went as a preteen.  Growing takes leaps of faith in which I FROG.  Fully. Rely. On. God.

God who gives me identity.  God who gifts me uniquely.  God who loves me despite all that I do.

Hello World.  My name is Jennifer Emery. I am intimately known and loved by the God who created me, and calls me his child.  I am walking down a winding path hand in hand with my saviour, Jesus Christ.  In Him, I'm breaking away from fear.

And it feels...
Like rain boots in the muddy creek between blackberries and alder trees, trying to catch a frog.