Back.

I cried when I left this time. I had tried to make myself believe that two weeks would be just the right amount of time. I'd get to see all my friends. I'd get to spend time with my family. And I'd realize why it was that I wanted to be out on my own in the first place. Perhaps it's time for me to realize that when I try and make these sort of ideas about time and love and people, my plan is never right. Two weeks was definitely not long enough - but though it was too short, it was amazing.

I got home late - and in some ways it was like I'd never left. Same old conversation. Same old car, house, wonderful things, annoying things. Only suddenly my brother is obviously bigger than me. And suddenly I notice that the way I look at the trees in the back yard, listen to the waves roll up and trickle down the beach at Whiffen Spit, feel the rain on my skin, smell my laundry fresh out of the drier, taste the soft cool water as it enters my body... it's all different.

But it's different in a good way.

I smile.

Christmas began! Shopping, baking, stressing, laughing...the whole kit and caboodle. (where on earth did that saying come from?) We bought groceries and some gifts on the 23rd. The twenty fourth I spend the morning cleaning, and then spent the afternoon making "Christmas Cookies" (ahem...cough cough...) with Hannah. Every Christmas needs a scandalous love story about sugar cookies turned green and space ships and aliens and candy canes, doesn't it?

That evening I really went home. It was an indescribable feeling, walking into the church with my dad and brother. Candle light, the soft hum of exchanging stories and best wishes, faces aglow, smiling. My voice blends, familiarly, with the others around me as I let myself go and just sing. How long has it been? I think about the last several Sundays. Where has my voice been? It's sounded wrong, off, like someone else's. And here I fit. Here my voice, and my brother's voice, my dad's, the people behind and in front of us, the choir, the piano, and the child laughing near the back are all one joyous chorus. Maybe because it's Christmas time. Maybe it's because this is how I know my voice - together with these specific people as we worship as one. Anyone feel like coming to Ottawa?

I like the church I go to here, but it's been a long time since I've felt this way.

Christmas day was certainly a change this year. We woke up, opened stockings, and went to church. After church we came home and had lunch. But then, instead of hopping in the car to visit our grandparents, we headed to Ayre Manor, where mom works. We brought some story books, some song books, and our guitars, and simply sung Carols for an hour or two. It was fun singing as a family. When we left we went down the Ed Macgregor park. We walked along the boardwalk, and through the forest. We took a bunch of pictures of Tim and I. (Photo 3) How wonderful to be outside in just my shirt for a while! I took my jacket and my mitts off. One pair of socks, light shoes, no scarf or hat. I couldn't even see my breath! When we got home I (and my two helpers!) made stuffed pork roast with mashed potatoes, vegetables, and gravy for dinner. It was SO nice cooking a big hearty meal in a real kitchen with my dad. And so nice to sit down at a real table with real chairs - my own house with my family. It wasn't turkey, and we weren't all there, but it was still Christmas.

Boxing Day and the day after that were each Christmas again, once with each set of Grandparents. How wonderful to hear everyone's voice, to see everyone, to be together. And with Turkey! It's the cherry on top. (Or, for those of you who know how much I've lost my brain, to quote myself) "It's like Christmas"

Yes, that was my first reaction when I was told how many presents under the tree were for me.

Yes, I realize I'm in University.

Yes, I realize I need more sleep.

Monday I took a very long bus ride into Victoria with Justin. It was good to get off the bus and venture outside in the fresh air. We wandered through Victoria, stopping at a few shops, and at a cafe to have some tea. Then we headed down to the harbor. We sat and talked, and watched for a while. The people - kids coming up trying to leap-frog over mushroom shaped lamps along the edge of the water, the smallest one trying so hard to keep up with his older brother. The water - calm, the boats rocking just gently. The sky - clouds, but not dark depressing clouds. Eventually the temperature got to us, and it was time to walk again. We headed down to James bay. As we neared the water, we could see a bench and what seemed like the end of the world. Gray sky and nothing else. But by the time we reached the bench, and headed down the path onto the beach, the sun was going down. The sky began getting brighter and brighter, as suddenly what had just been nothing turned to be breathtakingly beautiful. I loved the sound of the rocks moving under my feet. The smell of the ocean air. I was completely, whole-heartedly happy. (Photos one and two)

When the sun had set, and we'd pried ourselves away from the water, we caught a bus to head out of the city. I said goodbye at Town and Country, got off the bus and met up with Emily. We had dinner at one of my favourite restaurants, watched movies, and lay awake talking as if we were thirteen again. Only now our joys are so much deeper, our struggles are so much bigger - and matter so much more. Maybe five years from now I'll look back at the things that I'm feeling now and think they were small too. It's both wonderful and scary, being able to see yourself growing. I like how my emotions have grown too. I really did have as much as I could handle back then - and it taught me to handle more. I've learned to love deeper too.

The next day Emily and I had tea with Ms. Kilduff, I dont think I've ever seen her look so happy! She had some great advice about jobs, and showed us the scrapbook she's made for her 9 month old son. He has gigantic blue eyes, and such a personality.

Wednesday was supposed to be my day to myself, but instead mom and I went into town to get some stuff for her goats, and then rushed to have lunch before she had to go to work. I spent the afternoon quietly though, which was great.

Thursday Sydney and I went for a hike in the rain. I love the forest! And you know what? I actually like the rain too. After our hike we had one of my favourite lunches ever - left over Turkey dinner, and then went into Sooke to have tea with Kaylie. Go have a Bourbon Street Vanilla Rooibos from the reading room cafe. It's soooo good.

New Year's Eve was spent at the Martin's place, and it was wonderful. I came in the door and Samuel had tons of new exciting stuff to show me: a drum and a unicycle and look-what-I-can-do on the drums now! Bryn's grown up so much, tall and beautiful all dressed up for her birthday. Even though I admit that by this point, I was getting a little tired of "so, how is Ottawa, how is University, how are you doing" (It's boring only having 3 stories to tell. Some times I wanted to say "Actually, it wasn't my thing, so I went backpacking through Europe and spent a month living in Timbuktu"), I had some great conversations, along with some great wine. When the New Year had begun, and most people went home, we spent the early hours of the morning like we usually do at their house, playing Settlers of Catan. Nate and I teamed up as usual, the normal craziness ensued, it went on forever, but we all left happy at the end of the night. Happy and Exhausted. Welcome, 2010!

January 1st was likely the closest I've come in a long time to spending the whole day doing nothing. I needed it!

The next day I woke up nice and early, went to Victoria to have breakfast with my grandparents, and then spent the day scrapbooking with my Aunt. I'm still 4 years behind...but it's getting there! That's when the goodbye's started in earnest.

Goodbye Grandma and Grandpa, Goodbye Auntie Karen. I went to church - and said goodbye there. I went to Whiffen Spit with Justin, Hannah joined us, and at the end of a walk in the rain, I breathed in as much ocean air as I possible could.

Breath out.

Bye...

January 4th I visited EMCS, it was weird - but enjoyable being back. I had an amazing muffin from the cafeteria, got to catch up with and bug my favourite teachers. There were certainly a lot of downs in highschool, but over all, I loved it. I changed so much in those four years - I achieved so many goals, and came out of it just as full of dreams as when I went in. I remember one day in grade 10 or maybe 11, I was peer tutoring Mr. Scott's math class. He made some joke about me teaching there one day, and my kids going there. I remember being outraged. Definitely not, I laughed. I'm getting out of here - I love this place, but I'm getting out. I think I felt like I had to leave to make something of myself. Like staying in Sooke would somehow mean I was incapable of becoming someone successful. Like the town somehow had claws on me, and I needed to break free to prove myself. But I did make something of myself in highschool. I did have many successes. I walked through the halls and felt like this was a place where I accomplished something - not only for myself, but for others. When I was in grade nine, every day I'd come up the stairs and look at the names of student council presidents going back to the 1940's. I wanted to be on that wall. How amazing would it be to have that fame?

My name is on the wall now, along with the name of one of my closest friends. And as I looked at the new plaque, I laughed at how I once thought of this wall. These are all people who stood up for something in highschool. I was a shy girl with big ideas and no clue how to make them happen. That name on the wall represents and incredable journey, and an incredable friendship to me. Not fame. I've made it out now, and with the exception of my pride which says "don't let him be right," I wouldn't mind being back. Not forever - but for a while.

I cried when I left. Two weeks had come and gone. I think the things that changed only made it harder to leave, they didn't give me the excuse I was looking for. The thing is, I know Ottawa is where I need to be. And I actually do really love it so far. But it's a young love. It's like my 13 year old love. It needs time - that maybe I dont want to give - in order to get deeper.

So I'm back now. From being back. My things are all put away, the fridge is full of groceries, and I'm preparing to settle in to the grind that is University. I'm catching up with friends, Taylor's already had me crying from laughing so hard. Veronica's already left us a note under the door. Some more boys, (after failing to make instant rice) have already asked if I'll cook for them next year. The snow is deeper, the wind is sharper. But the sun is shining, and I'm smiling, and strangely, even though I'm homesick and jetlagged, this place feels kind of like home. A new home, but home.

It's nice being back.