When the Lord closes a door...

I found out Tuesday evening that because of my food allergy, I will not be going on a mission trip to South East Asia this summer.   When I found out, I was pretty devastated.  My eyes glossed over as I stared in silence at the email infront of me.  "The conclusion will be unwelcome to you and hard for you to accept," wrote the medical advisor, who a few days before had told me things were good to go.  At first, probably out of shock more than acceptance, I thought "Ok, God, this isn't where I'm meant to be." 
But then a wave of emotion flooded me - and I felt like I was drowning from the inside.  Tears wouldn't fall fast enough...and I felt my disappointment, my frustration, me brokenness building up inside me, racing through my body; poisoning me.  Rejected. Declined. Disapproved....No.  Not going.  Not serving.  Not teaching.  Not learning.  Nobody was on facebook, msn, or skype.  Mom had just started work.  Dad was still at work...I felt lost, trapped...alone. 

And so I laced up my shoes, grabbed my keys, and ran down the stairs.  I was just going to run.  I was just going to run until my legs wouldn't carry me.  I was just going to run as the rain fell on me.  I was just going to run until my clothes were soaked through, and I was shivering, and I could fall down far away from what I'd just read, and the truth could sink in, and my heart could calm down, and I could breathe.

I stepped outside, and just as my foot touched the path outside of the sheltered doorway, the rain stopped.  I walked towards the canal, crossed the road, crossed the footbridge, went down the steps, and now I was on the path that I hadn't walked since before the snow.  The path where the ground was still soft, and moist.  The path right on the edge of the canal, where there were no bikes, and not many runners.  I could see myself in the puddles.

I ended up walking, and singing, and running, and just standing still breathing.  When I'd calmed down a little, and I was so cold I couldn't move my fingers, I turned around, and meandered back to school.  As long as I didn't think about what I'd just learned, I was ok.

Later, my roommate and I went out for comfort food, and a movie.  We came back, called Veronica over, put our mattresses on the floor, and sat eating ketchup chips, and when we were done with those, it was icecream out of the tub.  Finally we settled down to watch the movie - Phantom of the Opera.

Maybe it was the ketchup chips - because when we were seven, and dreams that were broken were hastily replaced, Emily and I would take break from rehearsals, sit with our backs against the wall  of the theatre, and eat ketchup chips which we'd purchased from the EMCS vending machines.  Maybe it was the movie - because one musical always makes me think of another musical.  And the thought leads to the songs, and the songs lead to the characters, and the characters lead to the words.  The movie ended, Taylor and I put our mattresses back on our beds.  I slipped under the covers, and stared at the ceiling.
When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.
I fell asleep.

Wednesday I was still pretty upset. I had wanted so much to experience this new place.  I had wanted so much to be serving God on foreign soil.  I had wanted so much to be pursuing my passion of teaching, while at the same time helping the needy.
I had wanted so much.

Slowly, I started to find more peace with the decision.  Obviously, Asia isn't where I'm supposed to be this summer.  Hadn't I just spent an afternoon, walking along the canal, talking about how painful it was to come to Ottawa - but how it was the right thing in so many ways? Hadn't I just been at church, praying Not my will but Yours be done.  Hadn't I applied for this trip because I wanted to go where I was being led?

If it had been the right thing, I would have been going.  And I know - from experience - that going where I'm called is going to work out so much better than my plans ever could.

So now I just need to find the window.  That in itself could be the adventure I was looking for.